Bully Besting

“He’s not supposed to fight back, he’s supposed to have thick skin.
He’s supposed to lay down and die when his door is kicked in.”

— Bob Dylan, "Neighborhood Bully" from the album Infidels

I got bullied a fair bit when I was a kid. Nothing horrible. A bunch of name calling. Some banal Jew hatred. The occasional shove. Every once in a while, some kid would get more physical.

In junior high school a small kid, probably six inches shorter than I picked me out to get hostile with for reasons I never understood. He started confronting me in the hallways. I wasn’t afraid of him. He was a tiny thing, but I didn’t want to fight. Well, maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t want to fight, I had no idea how to fight, having been raised a pacifist. I tried to flee but a school is a small place. There was nowhere to go. One day he decided to pursue me. I ran into the principal’s office, and he followed me in.

The principal talked with each of us separately. When I expressed complete bewilderment as to why this kid had it in for me, the principal told me that the kid had said I had called him “no neck.” When I continued to be confused, the principal explained that the kid had a deformity and had a very short neck. I hadn’t noticed this much less made a comment about it. The kid wasn’t on my radar. I couldn’t have told you his name. We had no classes together. We had never spoke a word to one another as I recall. If I had spoken to him, I certainly wouldn’t have insulted his disability and as I said, I wasn’t aware he had one.

The principal suspended us both. The other kid got three days off from school; I got one. The principal told my mom that he knew I had done nothing wrong, but he would be perceived as unfair if I got no punishment. I thought it would have more fair if I also had gotten three days off from school!

This kind of thing wasn’t too common. I am not claiming victimhood or blaming my current neurosis on the fact that I was bullied. But it did happen. Why? Who knows? There was something about me that attracted unwanted attention. I liked to read. I was uninterested in sports. I generally preferred hanging out with teachers to other kids. Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t seem to care that I was different that signaled to others that I thought I was somehow special.

If I am honest, I kinda did think that.

Fast forward a few years. I was 16 years-old and in high school. Another kid whose name I don’t remember (I think his last name began with a T) decided he didn’t like me and made me well aware of the fact on the bus, at school, and around the neighborhood. One hot summer afternoon I was walking to Jeppe’s Comic World in Catonsville to pick up the Marvel literary universe monthly haul when I saw T slouching toward me on the sidewalk of Edmondson Avenue.

I don’t have a great recollection of what happened next. It was nearly 50 years ago but I am pretty sure I didn’t start it. He blocked me or maybe shoved me and I, to my own surprise, did something I rarely or never did.

Perhaps it was nascent levels of testosterone racing through my bloodstream. Perhaps the heat of the day had made me irritable. Maybe I was channeling my favorite Marvel superhero the Hulk. Maybe, I’d just had enough. I shoved him back as hard as I could (which was likely not very hard by any objective measure). We ended up in a bit of a tussle right there on the sidewalk. I had taken wrestling for a few years at the J and I tried to get him in the forbidden full nelson head lock. I failed miserably. I was a lousy wrestler. Plus, he had the advantage of me in size, strength, and without a doubt fighting experience.

Then it was over. He got up. I got up. He looked at me for a moment and laughed. Then turned around and continued his way as if nothing had happened.

I was physically unhurt. No black eye. No blood. Not even a bruise that I recall. I dusted myself off and continued to the comic bookstore and picked up the stack of comic books, The Avengers, The Fantastic Four, and X-Men and walked home.

I don’t think I ever told anyone what had happened. It was too humiliating. Not just being bullied, though certainly that. But also, the fact that I had been drawn into his filthy squalor, his moral vacuity. I felt sullied by being forced to brawl with this excuse for a person. T was not someone I hated, didn’t even dislike really. He barely registered as an entity on my mental map of the universe. I had understood that I had no choice but to fight back but I didn’t feel great about it nor did I feel I had acquitted myself well enough to serve as a deterrent to any future harassment.

But here’s the funny thing. T never bothered me again. I don’t remember him ever saying a single word to me or even making eye contact with me again. Nor was I ever in another fist fight. In fact, I have no recollection of being bullied again after that day, at least not physically.

It has become a cliché to point out that bullies are cowards, but it is, of course, true. Bullies generally aren’t looking for a fight. They just want to appear tough. They want to push around those who won’t resist. They want others to fear them. They want to strut about and make themselves look big and important without putting in the work of gaining respect through courage, discipline, and virtuous behavior (understandable since being virtuous is a poor predictor of being respected).

Most of the time just appearing to be ready to stand up to them is enough to discourage aggression. But occasionally, you will meet a bully who finds your very existence to be an affront. One who thinks that the fact that you are different means you think you are better than they. Who is willing to consume resources that they need for their own subsistence if it will make you suffer. Whose story of identity is grounded in destroying you at all costs. Who sees your existence as the explanation for all their failures. And who is itching to fight with little or no provocation.

Bullies of this sort understand only the use of force and sometimes even need to be roughed up a tad until they are forced to consider that maybe, just maybe God is not on their side.

So, when that kid like that comes toward you as if they own the sidewalk, be ready to throw a punch if but only if you must. And if you do have to take a swing, hit him as hard as you can. Even if it sullies you to do it. Even if it is at odds with your story of the essential good in everyone. Even if you know the bully and his buddies will claim that you started it and that lots of folks, even well-meaning ones, will believe him.

When it’s over get up and go on your way. Maybe you won’t need to do it again. Perhaps the one bout will be enough to teach him the lesson: that you have as much right to walk around the neighborhood as he does, that you will stand up for yourself, that you won’t be intimidated, that fleeing is not an option. Especially if there is nowhere to go.

The world’s a narrow bridge; fear nothing.

Four Skills

In the course of a life, one is constantly presented with the opportunity to learn things. Sometimes one is required to learn them for school or for work and sometimes we are drawn to them because of interest or passion. We often ignore the optional opportunities because of time constraints or laziness. But sometimes we take up a learning opportunity and pursue it until we reach a level of competence. For those with talent (or more likely extreme perseverance), a level of mastery may be achieved. Though far from mastery level, these are four useful skills I have acquired and which I continue to try and improve after decades of application. I offer these not as a boast nor to suggest that you pursue these but rather for you to consider what skills you are practicing and be alert to what you might want to take up next. 

I am not including in this list the skills that are essential and that virtually everyone learns. These are so universal as to be taken for granted. (obviously, I understand that they cannot nor should not be taken for granted.) These include, reading, writing, basic math, driving, dressing oneself, etc. I am speaking of optional skills that while anyone might learn them not everyone does. Everyone, I suspect has a list that is unique to them. Here are mine.

Accounting/Double Entry Bookkeeping

Easily the most useful skill I learned for my work life and for understanding and managing my personal finances. As an English major, I assiduously avoided classes that involved business or math. But when I found myself in my first nonprofit job there was a vacuum in the finance function of the organization. I made a deal with the executive director that if she would buy me a Macintosh to work on, I’d get the organization’s books squared away. To be clear, my motivation was getting a Mac to use at work (I already had one at home) not to learn double-entry accounting.

I didn’t know the first thing about accounting. With the help of a college textbook, the organization’s external auditor who was generous with his time, and a lot of trial and error, I taught myself accounting. It opened incredible pathways and opportunities in the course of my career. I used the same professional level accounting software that I used at work to manage my personal finances as well and thus gained a level of understanding that allowed me to make better decisions about investing and our household finances. To this day, I track all our household income and spending to the penny as if it were a small business, which it pretty much is. This level of control is not for everyone, but I can’t imagine not doing it after all these years.

More importantly, I have come to appreciate double-entry accounting as one of the most beautiful and perfect systems devised by human beings. It is also the closest thing we have to a near universal system adopted around the world (but for the U.S. the Metric System could be that). Virtually, every business in the world that has an accounting system double-entry bookkeeping.

Bread Baking

Ever since that first loaf, I baked to write about for Freshman English in 1980, I have been an avid baker. I conservatively estimate that I have made more than 2,500 loaves of challah, hundreds of bagels, and countless loaves of wheat, rye, and kamut, breads. Last week, I obtained a portion of sourdough starter from my dad, I have begun a sourdough journey with four loaves having already come to fruition. Two of them were good and two had disappointing oven spring. They were still quite edible notwithstanding.  Aside from the few who eschew gluten for health or theological reasons, people love bread. Friends and family are always delighted to receive a loaf of bread. It is an easy way to make people happy and the process of turning flour, water, and salt into bread is rather magical. In most cases any bread you bake at home will be better than anything you can buy at a grocery store. Far less expensive as well. It is a rare week that I don’t bake at least one loaf.

Knife Sharpening

I love to cook and nothing makes cooking more enjoyable than a good sharp knife. It is hands down the most important tool in the kitchen.  If your knife is sharp, you work faster and more effortlessly. You will cry less over your onions. A sharp knife is safer to use since it is less likely to slip.

The best way to sharpen knives is with a set of whetstones but finding the process somewhat intimidating, I avoided them for years. I tried every other sort of sharpening system including manual handheld sharpeners, electric sharpeners and a system where the blade was held in a fixed position and the sharpening stone was pushed against the blade. None of these systems proved satisfactory. I wanted a blade so sharp I could shave my arm hair with it.

Around 10 years ago, I broke down and bought my first set of Japanese whetstones. I watched countless YouTube videos on sharpening, and I made many a knife worse before I started making them better. But after a few hours over many months, I got the hang of it. Now I sharpen my knives every six months or so and in between I hone them on a ceramic hone that brings them back to razor sharpness with a few strokes. My favorite knife is a fussy santoku with a carbon steel blade that will rust if not washed and dried immediately after use. But it is fast to sharpen, holds and edge, and is perfect for my hand. Let me tell you it glides through food. Keep your fingers away from the blade! Why, it’s sharp enough to shave the hair from your arm! But don’t. Safety first!

American Sign Language 

We found out our daughter was deaf when she was 10 months old. A week later, we left on a family vacation, a road trip to Montreal, with a brand-new copy of The Joy of Signing open in the front seat. That week my wife, my daughter and I learned our first signs and a few weeks later my daughter made her first sign. It was a request: “Milk.”

If the only thing learning sign language allowed me to do was to communicate with my kids, dayenu. It would have been enough. But it did so much more. Learning ASL opened me to a world that a scarcely knew existed. The Deaf world is a vibrant and robust subculture.  It also led me to an involvement in Jewish life that I had previously been a stranger to. (That is a story for another day.)

Some of my most fulfilling experiences were the twelve Birthright Israel trips where I staffed the ASL trip. The Deaf students and Israelis that I had the opportunity to get to know over those 10-12 day trips changed the way I see the world. I was on one such trip when Apple announced that its new system software would allow iPhone users to make video calls “FaceTime” allowing Deaf people to have synchronous conversations over the phone as hearing people had had for more than 100 years. I don’t know that I have ever seen anyone so excited about a new technology as those students were.  

My ASL skills have stalled in recent years. With my kids far away and no opportunity to sign every day, my level of competency, always more conversant than fluent, has stagnated somewhat. Still, I can mostly keep up my end if my conversation partner is patient and slows down for me. It is the closest I come to a second language.

Check out the new Deaf President Now! movie on Apple TV+ to see how Deaf people took control of their destiny at Gallaudet University the year before my daughter was born.

Each of these skills took between 10 and 20 years to attain a level of competency. In none of them am I even close to among the best. In fact, the most I would claim to be at any of these is adequate. Still I am always on the lookout for the next learning opportunity that might present itself. I might just have enough time to get pretty good at one more thing.

The world’s a narrow bridge; fear nothing.

Whatchya Readin’?

Summer doesn’t officially begin for another week or so but with the humidity rising in the D.C. area after an unusually cool May, I feel that it is already here. If you are headed to the beach or the lake house, you may have a stack of books (or a loaded iPad) to take with you but perhaps you are looking to fill out your list with some additional material. Here is what I’ve been reading, listening to, or watching that I can recommend.

Reading

I am just finishing up This is Strategy by Seth Godin. Though I found this shelved with the business books in a bookstore near Fort Worth, Texas, the short chapters offer insight not only into the minds of your potential customers but also into your own thinking. Thought provoking for those trying to understand their business’s, nonprofit’s, or their own personal life’s mission. I found it easy to read and it gave me a lot to consider.

The Wizard of the Kremlin by Giuliano Da Empoli is a beautiful novel about an ugly topic, Vladamir Putin’s rise to power and how he was propelled by the human tolerance for or even desire to live under authoritarianism. Lent to me by a friend who insisted that I read it, it sat on my shelf for months. The topic just hit too close to home. Finally, I grabbed it as we were leaving on a trip. It is one of the best novels, I’ve read in a long time. I felt that I gained a deeper understanding of why dictators can take hold, how we empower them, where true freedom lies, and why it is so hard to preserve. The version I read was translated from French. I can’t read it in the original but perhaps you can.

Same as Ever, by Morgan Housel. In world in which change scrolls across our eyeballs like a stock ticker, Housel uses a series of short vignettes to illustrate that the most important things like values, relationships, and even tastes can change very slowly or not at all. For example, search the web for a list of the most popular candy bars in the U.S. and the results are identical to the most popular candy bars when I was kid. Milky Way, Snickers, Hershey Bars. There are lots of high quality confections that no doubt taste way better than those but year after year the old standards top the charts. I finished the book wondering if anything ever really changes at all.

Listening

I listen to podcasts mostly when I am walking or driving but that is a lot of the time. Here the the podcasts that come back to again and again.

Money for Couples – Remit Sethi Each week Sethi interviews a couple about their money problems. Sometimes the couple is overspending and struggling to make ends meet. Sometimes, they are millionaires who can’t bring themselves to take a vacation. The podcast drills down into the psychology of money and the stories we tell ourselves about it. It helps me understand my own attitudes and pathologies. I never miss an episode.

The Rest is History Dominic Sandbrook and Tom Holland This is a lively deep-dive into human history spanning thousands of years. I just finished listening to a three-part exploration of the first European emperor, Charlemagne (circa 800 CE). Called the father of Europe, Charlemagne is key to understanding everything European from Napoleon to the Third Reich. The European Union of today owes a debt to Charlemagne. And that is just one of the hundreds of fascinating episodes and series this podcast has to offer. Dan Snow’s History Hit is another good history podcast. He recently had a fascinating series on the end of the (Western) Roman Empire.

For Heaven’s Sake is produced by the Shalom Hartman Institute in Jerusalem. Each episode features Institute president Donielle Hartman and scholar and writer Yossi Klein-Halevi as they discuss Israeli politics and the war in Gaza. I avoid most mainstream media and this is my primary source for understanding what is happening in Israeli and the Middle East. Having had a good fortune to have spent a year as a Hartman Fellow while I was working at Hillel, listening to Donielle and Yossi is to learn again with two beloved teachers. They are often critical of Israel and its government and often disagree with each other but I know it comes from place of deep love for Israel and each other. I trust them completely.

Watching

I don’t subscribe to any streaming services except Apple TV+ (of course) as part of the Apple One Premier Bundle. I get the package mostly for Apple Music, and the 2TB of iCloud storage and backup space. I don’t know if I’d pay for the Apple TV+ alone but at $40 per month the bundle is a reasonable purchase since I share it with five other family members. Having said that, there is not much I watch but here are two shows I think are fantastic and one that I found amusing.

Severance This is the best show currently being produced and perhaps the best since Breaking Bad. In case somehow you haven’t heard of it, the premise is that an evil company called Lumon has created a chip that they can implant in the brains of their employees that spatially separates their memories and their consciousness. There is one consciousness for work and one for outside of work. Neither consciousness has access to the memories of the other. Imagine two separate people sharing the same body. The show explores the meaning of identity and consciousness and the role those play in being human. There is also mystery, dark humor, and a compelling story. The characters seem very real and quite preposterous somehow at the same time. Producer Ben Stiller knocked this out of the park. There are two seasons so far. I watched the first season all the way through 5 times and the second season 3 times so far.

Silo Ten thousand people live in an underground Silo in the not too distant future and can’t leave because the air outside is said to be poisonous. There are secrets and a mysterious meritocracy that maintains order. Those who dare to ask questions can be arrested or even sent outside to their death. Incredible production values. The set is completely believable. The acting is fantastic. There are two seasons so far each of which I have watched just once.

Your Friend’s and Neighbors This dark comedy set in a wealthy suburb in Westchester, N.Y. stars Jon Hamm (Madmen) who plays a recently divorced financial high roller who gets fired for having a relationship with someone below him on the org chart even though the relationship was consensual and she filed no complaint. Out of resentment and perhaps boredom he turns to robbing his wealthy friends and neighbors of their jewelry, watches, artwork, and cash. Hilarity ensues.

There is some thought-provoking commentary on class, friendship, and the pursuit of wealth for its own sake, but mostly I just found this to be good fun with a few laugh out loud moments. As an added plus, the actor who plays Mr. Drummond in Severance Season Two makes an appearance as an evil art collector. Jon Hamm is a droll and hilarious actor. In this series he has upgraded his signature Old Fashioned cocktails in Madmen to The Macallan 25 Year-Old Single Malt Scotch as his drink of choice (neat, of course). At $2,500 a bottle, it tells you all you need to know about “Coop” the character he plays.

Oh, I just thought of a fourth one. Made for the BBC in 2005 and picked up by Apple TV+, Long Way Round follows actor Euen McGreggor (Obi-Wan Kenobi) and his buddy Charley as they ride motorcycles over a period of 100 odd days around the world starting in London and heading east through, Europe, Kazakhstan, Mongolian and Russia. They fly to Alaska and continue overland to New York City before arriving back in England where they ride back to their starting point. It is an incredible adventure and makes one appreciate a trip to the market on a paved road in a car with AC. I like Euen McGreggor. I love motorcycles and I enjoy seeing people be devoured by mosquitos from the comfort of my screened porch. This series pressed all the buttons.

My summer travel plans are decidedly less ambitious. No ride through Mongolian desert. No dicey border crossings. Just an action-packed weekend in Cincinnati to celebrate my mom’s birthday with the family and then a week in the Adirondacks with a stack of books, podcasts and a maybe a movie or two. If you’ve got any suggestions for reading or watching to ramp up the thrill level, please do drop a comment below.

The world’s a narrow bridge; fear nothing.